The Endangered Slut
“Slut” is one of those words in the English language that's presently in flux; morphing a bit more with every passing year. Though the precise etymology is unknown, the word first appeared in the 1300's, used by Geoffrey Chaucer to mean a man of unkempt appearance. Little by little, the word evolved to mean a promiscuous, and therefore somehow unclean, woman. But this is slowly changing into a gender-neutral word that means sex-positivity and sexual empowerment; being comfortable with sex and being proud to enjoy it. And while no doubt everyone deserves such empowerment and enjoyment, I think some more focus on the prior definition of the word might be enlightening, as a key aspect of its meaning is at risk of being lost: the concept of promiscuity.
It's natural for language to change over the years, and as a writer, it's fascinating to witness it in real time. But while language is malleable, the core concepts that people are comfortable with don't change quite as easily or quickly. While empowerment and comfort are no doubt vital to sexuality, promiscuity remains a very necessary thing for many people to reclaim from the clutches of shame. Though clearly not for everyone, it can be an important facet of one's sexual identity, and despite the increased use of the term slut, I'm not sure that acceptance for promiscuity is increasing in any meaningful way.
With this changing definition, you'll see people identify as a slut, yet also expound on how they are monogamous, selective, need time to get to know someone, or any number of other descriptors that would seem wholly contradictory to sluttiness. This isn't to deride anyone's choice of relationship or sexual styles. I only mean to demonstrate that the definition is indeed changing, and the idea of having many different sexual partners is factoring less and less into the concept of a slut.
But why is promiscuity important? What deeper meaning could schtupping lots of different people possibly have? Well, besides the obvious variety involved, it can be a positive experience in many ways. Not having to feel, or impose, the pressure of sexual exclusivity can be liberating. Sex doesn't have to mean anything, or come with any additional baggage or expectations. You gain experience with different people, different bodies.
For me, however, I found that the true value of promiscuity is this: it means your sexuality can stand on its own. When you sleep with someone, with no relationship (or expectation of such), it means your sexuality is enough. Your lover for the evening doesn't need dates, or roses, or time, or the promise of anything beyond tonight.
Think of it like a restaurant: if the food has a reputation for being incredible, the place doesn't need fancy decor or piped-in classical music. It could have nothing but folding chairs and beat up metal tables inside, and there will still be a line of people out the door and around the corner. Or as David Lee Roth once put it in regard to music: “If you can't bring it in a pair of jeans and a white t-shirt under one bulb on a string, then you can't bring it”.1 And damn if that isn't flattering. In a strange sense, it can feel like an unconditional kind of love; like a friend who doesn't want anything from you – they're just always glad you showed up. Like Cheers, but with exposed genitals.
So with this changing definition, where does that leave folks who actually like sleeping with tons of people? More often than not, it still leaves us in the same place we were back in the day: the odd ones out. Discussion about “body count” (the number of sexual partners one has had) is becoming alarmingly prevalent online. At best, you're allowed to have lots of partners during a brief experimental period in your life, such as college. But after that, you're supposed to grow up and stop all that nonsense. Even in the kink or poly worlds, you will find a vocal contingent of people who will express contempt for promiscuity2. Despite the quintessential text of polyamory being entitled The Ethical Slut, I've encountered some poly folks passing judgment on those who sleep around, declaring “That's not polyamory, that's 'poly-fuckery'”. Say what? Go and read the title of that book again, friend.
At the end of the day, all of these attitudes are essentially parroting the same fundamental concept that the nuns in Catholic school taught me: that sex without love is wrong.
Look, I'm not here to persuade anyone to be promiscuous, nor am I claiming it's a solution to anything - only that it is an option, and a pretty damn fun one at that. But given that us actual multi-person-fuckers are in danger of losing the term slut, and gaining only derisive terms like “body count”, what do we call ourselves? Moreover, how can we defend the concept of promiscuity in the face of incessant moralizing? Most crucial of all: how can we find other fellow strumpets to play with?
For starters, we can ally ourselves with individuals, and with cultures and subcultures, that truly support personal sexual autonomy. This is one of the main reasons I gravitated toward the swinger lifestyle. Say what you will about it, but it's one of the only sexual subcultures on earth that overwhelmingly embraces being a massive ho bag. No one has any issue if you fucked 30 people on your last trip to Hedonism. In fact, they'll want to hear your stories.
Additionally, we can be open about our proclivities to people, demonstrate how much fun we're actually having, be kind and positive, and be a living embodiment of how sex without love is absolutely delightful and downright refreshing. Who knows, perhaps this species of slattern can go from being endangered to merely vulnerable.
As for a new term for a promiscuous person? Well, every such historic term is inextricably tied to women, and a disdain for their sexuality. So we need a new term that celebrates promiscuity for everyone. I'll leave the final choice to the ages, but my present vote goes to “washing machine”. After all, it's the place where everyone stuffs their dirty things inside, and yet they come out clean and refreshed! And I feel like that's how we should all aspire to make our lovers feel after spending an evening with us.
Wanna do a load together?
https://blabbermouth.net/news/david-lee-roth-on-van-halens-future-i-wouldnt-hold-my-breath
https://jezebel.com/the-great-polyamory-vs-polyfuckery-debate-5670122